Advice for daters in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s

If you could travel back in time, what pearls of wisdom would you pass on to your single self during each decade of your dating history? Here, men and women from all ages weigh in with advice they wish they’d known in their twenties, thirties, forties — and beyond!

What people in their 30s wish they’d known while dating in their 20s…
1) Try being friends with someone first
“I would tell my younger self that ‘fools rush in.’ [When I was] in my twenties, I didn’t take very much time to get to know a guy. If I was physically attracted to him and that attraction was mutual, a relationship would form quickly. This did not allow me enough time to identify [potential] character flaws — or even realize if I liked him past the initial butterfly stages. Needless to say, I found myself in and out of relationships during my late twenties. In my thirties I am much more relaxed, reserved and patient. I still haven’t found The One and I’m OK with that. I realize now that friendship is the foundation for a wonderful relationship that lasts!”
– Erica Binnum, 33, Long Beach, CA
2) Push through your fear of rejection
“The advice I’d give my younger self is that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take. Ego is a man’s worst enemy, and it stops us from approaching the women we want — all because we’re afraid of rejection or worried we’re not good enough. Push the envelope and see what’s possible for yourself; go talk to anyone and everyone that strikes your fancy. If they’re not interested, it’s not a reflection on you, because they don’t even know you. Once you start getting some positive feedback — i.e., you get rejected less and less — then this process becomes a lot easier and actually turns into something that’s fun and enjoyable.” 

3) Don’t let The One get away just because you’re young

“I am currently planning my wedding with someone I recently reconnected with after 10 years: the bartender who made me drinks on my 21st birthday. It took us both a great deal of growing up and a lot of effort to get us to where we are now, but the major piece of advice I’d give myself at that age would be to grab a good thing when you see it and don’t let go. Back then, I moved across the country and left him behind. A lot happened during that time for both of us, but we were lucky enough to get a second chance.”
– Lowrey Raines, 31, Los Angeles, CA
4) Celebrate how you feel about your mate
“One thing I’d tell the younger version of me is that there comes a time in every man’s life when you look at the woman you’re dating and realize that she is the single greatest thing that’s ever happened to you. And when you do, don’t be afraid to tell her and let others know how you feel, too. Trust me, she will appreciate it. I married the girl of my dreams, and not one day goes by without me thinking that she’s the best and most beautiful woman I ever met.”
– Richie Frieman, 32, Baltimore, MD
What people in their 40s wish they’d known while dating in their 30s…

1) That “must-have” checklist is keeping you from The One
“Here is what I wish I could have told myself 10 years ago: Get rid of your checklist of what you think you want [in a partner]. You don’t always know what you need. At the age of 38, I made a commitment to myself that I would throw away my checklist of what I thought I wanted in a man and open myself up to dating men of all types. That year, I received an email from a man on Match.com whom I’d gone on one date with three years prior; he had called me the next day to follow up, but I never called him back. He just wasn’t my type — or so I thought. Three years later, there he was, asking me out again. Because of my newfound outlook, I accepted. Nine weeks later, he proposed!”
– Lori Bizzoco, 42, Oceanside, NY

2) Realize that “boring” isn’t always bad
“I would have told myself to find someone boring! Of course, I wouldn’t have taken that advice. Unfortunately, I needed to date a psychopathic person first in order to realize the shrewdness of that suggestion. Fortunately, when I was finally given that advice by someone, I was also ready to hear it. It came from a younger friend of mine who was happily married. I listened to her, and now I’m happily married, too. And no, my husband isn’t boring — it’s just that sane people are boring by comparison.”
– Jen Hancock, 46, Tampa, FL
3) After getting your heart broken, you will meet someone else
“If I could, I would go back and talk to myself during the single darkest period of my life. Someone I loved very much decided she didn’t want me anymore. We broke up, and I entered a deep depression that lasted half a year. What I would go back and tell myself then is this: ‘This pain you feel now will end. And although you may not believe it now, you’re just six months away from feeling better, and you’re only a year away from meeting someone fantastic and you will find great happiness together. Time really does heal all wounds.”
– Scott Thompson, 44, Hatfield, PA
4) Don’t bother staying in a drama-filled relationship
“My advice to my younger self is this: If the relationship isn’t working and there’s a lot of drama after a year, then you need to let it go. I kept telling myself that relationships were work and that bumps were to be expected. I realize now that it shouldn’t have been that much work — or so bumpy. I stayed in it off and on for 12 years, and it’s one of my biggest regrets. I guess I’ve come to the conclusion that life is too short to feel so stuck, and I don’t have the patience for all that turbulence.”
– Dawn Quiett, 42, Dallas, TX

What people in their 50s wish they’d known while dating in their 40s…
1) Don’t jump from one marriage to another
“When I was 40, I re-married way too soon after getting my first divorce. I wish I could go back and tell myself that I’d grow into a much stronger woman had I not been so afraid to be alone. Having a man willing to rescue me felt so great at the time, but I wasn’t really in the best place to see him (or myself) clearly. This set me up to continue abdicating my power to a new husband. Instead, I would give myself a big hug and say, ‘Baby, wait until you’re strong enough to want a man. Never choose a man when you think you need one.’”
– Janice Christopher, 50, New Haven, CT
2) Maintain your platonic friendships
“I became a widow in my early 50s and was so glad that I had kept up with my networking skills and my list of work-based and personal contacts. When I found myself ready to date again, these people were more than happy to set me up with someone who turned out to be one gem of a guy. You know that good friends or family are not going to set you up with a jerk. Maintaining those relationships is hard work and can be a job in itself, but life happens — and it was so advantageous for dating again.”

– Luann Alemao, 55, Cedar Falls, IA
3) Use caution if you have conflicting ideas about kids
“Be cautious of single women in their 30s; they may only want an ATM and a sperm bank. Instead, consider dating women in their early 40s. In general, they’re sincerely looking to be in a relationship. Regardless of their stage in life, though, take your time, and look for something that meets both people’s needs, hopes and desires.”
– Ken Miller, 56, San Jose, CA
4) Interested men love the thrill of the chase
“I would tell my younger self quite a few things. First, don’t try to marry a man for his money — or you’ll wind up earning every penny of it! And if a guy isn’t chasing after you, forget him. Men like to be the ones who make advances and do all the chasing. Even if you are interested in him, make him think that you aren’t as available as you really are for dates. The old-fashioned advice about playing ‘hard to get’ actually has some truth to it.”
– Stella Vance, 56, San Diego, CA
5) Always trust your gut
“I would advise my forty-something self to jump in and fearlessly follow her heart. And I did, in spite of some details that could have easily been early deal-breakers (he was basically homeless and jobless at the time) for any relationship. After 2.5 years, my partner died suddenly — literally ‘dropped his body’ while dancing to a song called ‘Love and Happiness’ by Al Green. But the time we had together was one of the most profoundly meaningful relationships of my life.”
– Ishwari Sollohub, 56, Santa Fe, NM

What people in their 60s wish they’d known while dating in their 50s…
1) Date someone your own age
“In my 50s, I learned that dating women close to my own age worked best. Not having to explain the world I grew up in made connecting with them easier and more meaningful. I didn’t need a young woman to make me feel good about aging. Women who were youthful in spirit made it easy to overlook wrinkles. (I had them, too.) I worked hard to stay in shape, so I focused on finding a woman who shared that passion — and soon met my wife, who’s just a year younger.”
– Ken Solin, 62, Mill Valley, CA
2) Date around to figure out exactly what you want
“The best piece of advice I would offer up is this: Date far and wide, and do not stop 
dating too quickly! I should have dated more, but had a high school boyfriend and got married after graduation. I didn’t know myself and my desires and goals very clearly at that point, and knew I had to divorce him after five years. Get to know yourself and your goals very well before you commit to one person for the rest of your life. That’s something I did more of after my divorce. I have been married now for 28 years.”
– Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, 62, Mount Kisco, NY
3) Don’t assume either of you will change once you’re in a relationship
“Never go into a relationship based on ‘potential’ that you’re confident you will be able to help ‘grow’ and ‘develop’ into something more. It’s much easier to buy into a person that’s already put together a life, like a well-assembled product. While no relationship can exist without a degree of compromise, we must never settle for less than what we deserve in terms of a partner having his/her own character and personal values.”
– Edie Raether, 68, Charlotte, NC

MAC Hires Bodybuilder Model: Inside the World of Muscle Makeup

Forget pageant queens and reality stars, no one lays the makeup on thicker than a female bodybuilder. If you were about to walk onstage in a thong swimsuit and have your muscles judged under dentist lights, you'd take your beauty regimen just as seriously.

The beauty industry was taken by surprise when MAC debuted its latest spokesperson, Jelena Abbou, a Serbian-American female bodybuilder with the kind of ripped physique more likely to be found in Muscle Milk ads than high end cosmetics campaigns. For those within the female bodybuilding world, however, it made perfect sense. "A lot of us use MAC," Monet Colbert, a makeup artist and former bodybuilder, tells Yahoo Shine. "It's designed for theatrical stage performances." That means it holds up under the double white lights designed to capture every muscle striation--and if you're not prepared, every wrinkle. 

 

After thousands of hours at the gym and meticulously crafted nutrition plans, the final step for female bodybuilders poised for competition is product. Lots of it. Popular standards of beauty vary by era, geography, and culture, but in the world of women's muscle mass, there's one hard and fast rule.

 

You've got be tan. "The reason female bodybuilders look so dark is because tanners help define cuts and shreds," says Colbert, who's started her own line of bodybuilding cosmetics called Shades of Monet. "It's all about the illusion being created." 

 

The kind of tanning bodybuilders do before a show makes Snooki look like an amateur. "There are two different kinds of tanners we use," competitive bodybuilder Bethany Carter Howlett tells Shine. "Some people use spray tan, while others will use a liquid roll-on with an applicator." Before any of that, however, Howlett uses a tanning bed to get a base--"otherwise you could end up with a green tint onstage," she explains. Professional tanners will show up at events with pop-up salons so athletes can begin a three-day tanning layering process. Competitors largely avoid tanning creams, says Howlett, because the moisture competes with the oil they apply to their muscles as a finishing touch. She uses spray-on cooking oil for an overall sheen that isn't too greasy.

 

The darker, more bronzed the tan, the sharper the muscle striations appear. That may win points with the judges, but a mismatched face blows it with audience members. "If your face doesn't match your tan that's going to work against you," says Colbert, "even if you've got the body judges are looking for."
 

 

Before meets, challengers and their makeup artists hunt for thick foundation closest to their body's impending fake tan. It's like an interior decorator matching pillows to curtains, only the stakes are higher. "Judges will pull you aside before the show if they don't like your makeup and tell you how to change your look before the show," says Howlett. 

 

It isn't all about skin tone. A big challenge is covering up dark circles under the eyes caused by water depletion just before the shows (a little dehydration adds muscle definition). Colbert uses thick concealer under the eyes and applies false lashes to brighten up their gaze. (If all else fails, there's always rhinestone eye stickers.) 

 

Usually, the stage outfit dictates the eye shadow palate. "Girls will match their suits to their eyes, so if they're wearing dark blues or dark purples, they wear a slightly lighter shade of the same color on their eyes," says Howlett. 

 

Another bygone look from years past: bleached blonde hair. "A lot more of us used to be platinum," says Howlett. "My hair was falling out in clumps from all the chemicals." Now brunettes are having a moment in bodybuilding, thanks in part to the competition's popularity in countries outside the U.S. 

 

Back in the '80s, you didn't have to choose between a bold eye-color and a bright lipstick. Nowadays, judges are looking for a slightly more natural look. "If you're doing a dark eye, you're going to want a softer lip--a coral color is popular," says Colbert. 

 

It's not enough just to have rippling abs. Judges want to see muscular definitions on the cheekbones, so Colbert usually applies a dark bronzer to sharpen angles. "You want to make sure cheekbones standout with a deeper bronzer," she says, "since your foundation is already so dark." Did I mention she can apply up to four layers of foundation just to ensure facial tones match the whole package?
 

 

Eczema and breakouts are common before competitions due to crash diets. "We're so depleted of water, our bodies can become toxic waste dumps by time we compete," says Colbert. To falsify that "healthy glow" competitors rely on heavy concealer and bleached white teeth. 

 

Hair is still a big part of the competition. Howlett compares the kind of coiffed, curled and spiked updos designed for showing off muscles to prom hair. "There are lot of cute sequined barrettes." Scrunchies? "Gosh no, you won't see any scrunchies or banana clips." 

 

"Now there are a lot more brunettes, and more ethnicities competing across the board," says Howlett. "It's funny bodybuilding, because it mimics what's popular in Hollywood and pop culture at large." 

 

The biggest hair trend to emerge in the past few years according to Colbert, is less hair. "Girls are going pixie short, some are using color beyond the standard blonde and brunettes," she says. "Now it's all about cuts that are a little edgy like bobs--no more Jheri curls." 

 

But in the niche world of bodybuilding beauty, you never want to follow a trend too closely. "If you look like everyone else, you don't stand out," says Colbert. "So you have to think about what you can do to look different from everyone else." Even non-bodybuilders can relate to beauty trend overkill. Remember the year we all had orange tans and we weren't even competing for a trophy? 

 

Spanking Makes Aggressive, Depressed Kids?

Spanking could be harmful, study says.Spanking could harm your kid's psyche, claims a new study that has found a link between spanking and childhood aggression and depression. The findings, published in the fall 2012 Journal of Family and Marriage by researchers Andrea Gromoske and Kathryn Maguire-Jack, looked specifically at the fallout from spanking kids under 1-year-old in a sample of 3,870 families across the country. They found it led to three-year-olds who were aggressive—hitting, screaming or having tantrums and five-year-olds who were depressed or anxious. "The aim of our study was to investigate whether spanking at age one would be related to greater aggressive behavior, and then whether greater aggressive behavior would be related to greater depressive behavior," study co-author Gromoske told Yahoo! Shine in her first press interview about the findings. "Prior research had indicated that spanking was related to each type of child behavior, but no one had investigated how all of them were interrelated."
The study adds more fuel to the fire of the never-ending spanking controversy. Various reports show that up to 90% of parents think a good swat on the behind is okay; one 2010 survey, according to Child Trends Data Bank, found that found 75% of women (and 64% of men) agreed that kids sometimes need a "good hard spanking." Still, both the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Psychological Association are against the practice. And past studies have also found a connection between spanking and acting out, including a widely publicized one out of Tulane University and published in Pediatrics in 2010, finding that, out of the nearly 2,500 youngsters looked at, those who were spanked more frequently at age three were much more likely to be aggressive by age five.
A surprise in the new research, Gromoske told Shine, was that, while past research in this area had shown a direct relationship between spanking and depressive symptoms, she and Maguire-Jack found a more complex connection, or chain of events, with aggression at 3 and depression at 5. "It turned out that spanking was directly related to future aggressive behaviors," she explained, "and that increases in aggressive behaviors were related to increases in depressive behaviors."
Robert Larzelere, professor of research methodology and statistics at Oklahoma State University in Stillwater who is a proponent of spanking as a last resort, told Shine, "I do think that under a year is far too young to be using spanking at all, because they don't understand what the connection is." However, he pointed to his own research on the subject as a case for "backup spanking," or using that whack as a last resort, on children between the ages of 2 and 6. "This applies when parents first try reasoning or time outs," he said, explaining that at that point, he believed that using "non-abusive" spanking is both safe and effective.
Meanwhile, Alfie Kohn, a Boston-area parenting and human behavior expert, and author of several books including "Unconditional Parenting," welcomed news of the results.
"What we have here is another in a long line of research results proving that using physical violence on children is counterproductive in just about every imaginable respect," Kohn told Yahoo! Shine. "It teaches kids to be aggressive, to rely on power over those who are weaker, and to confuse loving with hurting."

The Kraken wakes: first images of giant squid filmed in deep ocean

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese-led team of scientists has captured on film the world's first live images of a giant squid, journeying to the depths of the ocean in search of the mysterious creature thought to have inspired the myth of the "kraken", a tentacled monster.

The images of the silvery, three-metre (10 feet) long cephalopod, looming out of the darkness nearly 1 km below the surface, were taken last July near the Ogasawara islands, 1,000 km (620 miles) south of Tokyo.

Though the beast was small by giant squid standards - the largest ever caught stretched 18 metres long, tentacles and all - filming it secretly in its natural habitat was a key step towards understanding the animal, researchers said.

"Many people have tried to capture an image of a giant squid alive in its natural habitat, whether researchers or film crews. But they all failed," said Tsunemi Kubodera, a zoologist at Japan's National Museum of Nature and Science, who led the team.

"These are the first ever images of a real live giant squid," Kubodera said of the footage, shot by Japanese national broadcaster NHK and the Discovery Channel.

[Slideshow: Tiniest animals on the planet]
The key to their success, said Kubodera, was a small submersible rigged with lights invisible to both human and cephalopod eyes.

He, a cameraman and the submersible's pilot drifted silently down to 630 metres and released a one-metre-long squid as bait. In all, they descended around 100 times.

"If you try and approach making a load of noise, using a bright white light, then the squid won't come anywhere near you. That was our basic thinking," Kubodera said.

[Slideshow: NatGeo's 2012 photo contest winners]

"So we sat there in the pitch black, using a near-infrared light invisible even to the human eye, waiting for the giant squid to approach."

As the squid neared they began to film, following it into the depths to around 900 metres.

"I've seen a lot of giant squid specimens in my time, but mainly those hauled out of the ocean. This was the first time for me to see with my own eyes a giant squid swimming," he said. "It was stunning, I couldn't have dreamt that it would be so beautiful. It was such a wonderful creature."

Until recently, little was known about the creature believed to be the real face of the mythical kraken, a sea-monster blamed by sailors for sinking ships off Norway in the 18th century.

But for Kubodera, the animal held no such terror.

"A giant squid essentially lives a solitary existence, swimming about all alone in the deep sea. It doesn't live in a group," he said. "So when I saw it, well, it looked to me like it was rather lonely."

The 10 Worst Industries for 2013

If you work in real estate, social media or other technology fields, you could have a banner year in 2013. Those industries are primed for growth as an economic recovery kicks in and innovative new companies continue to change the way people live, work and communicate.

But many Americans work on the darker side of the economy, in fading industries whose best days are probably in the past. New technology is making some businesses less and less relevant, while others struggle to find customers in a global economy that's still weak, or face severe pressure to cut costs. To identify the most vulnerable industries, I asked industry-research firm IBISWorld to rank more than 1,000 industries according to the percentage of jobs they're likely to gain or lose over the next 12 months. Here are the industries expected to shrink the most in 2013:

Photofinishing (a projected 15 percent decline in jobs). You don't need an Instagram account to know that most people archive their photos online these days instead of gathering them in old-fashioned photo albums. And people who print photos tend to use online services or do it themselves at home. Those trends are airbrushing traditional retail photo outlets out of the economy.

[SEE: The Year's Best Photos]
Recordable media (15 percent decline). The digital revolution is also gutting the market for CDs and DVDs as more people stream music and video over the Internet. DVD and video game rental stores are becoming scarce, and the DVD-by-mail business, which seemed revolutionary a decade ago, is now becoming more and more antiquated with each passing day.
[RELATED: The Best Industries for 2013]
Tobacco (9 percent decline). Smoking actually picked up during the recession, perhaps because of more anxious people lighting up to help combat stress. An improving economy will most likely reverse that trend, plus rising cigarette taxes in some states will cause price hikes and lower sales.
Telecom networking equipment manufacturing (6 percent decline). Demand is strong for the switches and routers that connect companies and individuals to each other. The problem is that most manufacturing has been outsourced to low-cost countries, with only some high-end gear still made in the United States.
Newspapers (6 percent decline). You're probably reading this story on a computer or mobile device, which sums up the problem facing most newspapers: The old print business is dying in many areas, and it's impossible to make up all the lost revenue by giving news away for free online. More papers are starting to charge readers for access, to help augment advertising revenue.
[RELATED: 10 Companies That Tumbled in 2012]
Business certification and IT schools (6 percent decline). These specialty schools targeting high-school grads not planning on getting a full college degree used to offer programs on how to use computers and business software--which many kids now learn by themselves. And other programs offered by community or junior colleges--or online by traditional universities--often seem like a better deal to students.
Synthetic fiber manufacturing (6 percent decline). Two trends are forcing this industry to contract: A global cutback in spending on products such as clothing and electronics (which both incorporate synthetic fibers), and a concentration of manufacturing in low-cost overseas countries.
Live performance theaters (5 percent decline). The show might go on, but with cutbacks in government funding and penny-pinching theatergoers, there's less money for everything, from cast and crew to props and promotional fliers.
Beer, wine and liquor stores (5 percent decline). Spirit sales are doing okay, but stores that specialize in beer, wine and liquor face growing competition from grocery chains, discount outlets and even the Internet, as many states loosen restrictions on sales. Also, as the economy improves, people may go out to bars and restaurants more, and do less drinking at home.
Hardware manufacturing (5 percent decline). Production was already moving offshore before the recession, then the severe real estate bust forced everybody connected to the construction industry to cut costs even more. Foreign-made tools now account for more than half of all U.S. sales, a portion that seems likely to keep rising.